Here's the entire transcript of the show which mentions me.

Series 3, Episode 8
Transcript by: Sarah Falk

TRANSCRIPT
Stephen
Well, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, and welcome to QI, or Da jia men hao, as they say in Chinese, because tonight's menu has a very distinctive Chinese flavour. So let me introduce our four Mandarins of mirth. [laughs] Phill Jupitus . . . David Mitchell . . . Bill Bailey . . . and Alan Davies.

Alan
[whips head around and mouths "thank you"]

Stephen
So, let's hear your gongs, gentlemen, please. Phill goes:

Phill
[presses buzzer, which plays the sound of a gong; the buzzer sounds twice]
[jumps, startled, at the second gong]

Stephen
Ooh, twice.

Phill
[raises his fist to the buzzer]

Stephen
David goes:

David
[presses buzzer, which plays the sound of a harp]
It's lovely.

Stephen
Bill goes:

Bill
[presses buzzer, which plays the sound of traditional Chinese song]

Stephen
And Alan goes:

Alan
[presses buzzer, which plays the "Ying Tong Song" from The Goon Show]

Stephen
Of course he does. Oh, dear, me.

Actually, I've been doing a little research on, er, Chinese, and I have your Chinese names, as it were. Alan Davies, for instance, is "Er-lan Da-bi"--

Alan
"Ahlun daba!"

Stephen
Yeah. Which means "lazy great slave child". Erm . . . or, rather bizarrely, "two dozen blue combs".

I, interestingly . . . "Si-fen Fu-lai", erm, means "stiff fragrant husband come", and . . . [shakes his head]. Literally true. Or "private sweet bend-over pipe".

Erm, Bill . . . "shabby plum shellfish texture". "Low hedge, sad hedge." "Bi-li Bei-li."

Bill
Of course. "Bi-li Bei-li."

Stephen
"Bi-li Bei-li."

Phill Jupitus is "Fi-li Zhu-pi-ta" . . . "vulgar dwarf-skin couch".

Phill
[nods] Nice.

Stephen
Yeah. You've also got the hedge, 'cause of the "-li", of course, so you're "bend-over hedge master ruffian fetus". Not bad.

And "Dai-bi Mi-chao" is "slack slave rotten dynasty". Or "Fry borrows narrow spoon".

Now, the Chinese are amongst the most inventive people on Earth. The first to make silk, paper, brandy, matches, bells, gunpowder, wheelbarrows, kites, compasses, calendars, crossbows, and, of course, china. So, name something beginning with "C" that was invented in Corby.

Alan
Chow mein.

Stephen
No, nice thought, though.

Phill
[presses buzzer, which gongs]
The Rank Organisation.

Stephen
Hey!

Bill
Steel. Was there steel . . . Something about steel?

Stephen
A lot of steel, yes.

Bill
A lot of steel.

Alan
There are lots and lots of Scotsmen.

Stephen
Very true. Do you know why?

Alan
Because they all came and moved there to get a job.

Stephen
Yeah.

Alan
There are. About 40% of the people are Scottish. There's a Celtic Supporters Club and a Ranger Supporters Club.

Stephen
It's the second-largest Ranger Supporters Club in the world.

Alan
There's also the, er, Rockingham Raceway racetrack. [pause] These are the things I know of Corby.

Stephen
He's good! You see?

Phill
Could . . . could . . . could this be anything to do at all with the sainted trouser press?

Stephen
Oh . . .

[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "TROUSER PRESS".]

Phill
Ahhh! Ahhh!

Stephen
We were hoping someone would say . . . No, it's . . . The sainted, as you say, trouser press was invented by a man called Corby and has nothing to do with the great town of Corby. John Corby, in Windsor, invented it in 1930.

Phill
Can I just say, it does work absolutely beautifully if you need to keep, er, food warm in a hotel room.

Bill
Yes. Do you--

Alan
[presses hands together] Flat foods, mainly.

Phill
Yeah.

Bill
No, a panini, held there for hours.

Stephen
Oh, yes.

Bill
The new ones have got a little flip-out ironing board and a mini iron.

Stephen
The "Executive".

Bill
The "Executive".

Stephen
Yeah.

Bill
Yes. The "Hodgekiss 4000".

Alan
Something beginning with "C" was invented in Corby?

Stephen
No. We can't find anything. We were hoping you would say--

Alan
CDs.

Stephen
--"Corby trouser press".

Alan
Crisps?

Stephen
Crisps? It's funny you should say "crisps". I mean, they weren't invented there . . .

Alan
They're eaten there, though, aren't they?

Stephen
Yeah.

Alan
[nods smugly]

Stephen
In 1980, they closed the steelworks, and 11,000 Corbyites were thrown out of work. But within a little over a year, 15,000 new jobs were created, including at Golden Wonder.

Its main claim to fame, of course, is that it's the largest town in Europe . . . not to have a railway station. [inhales] Gasps.

Phill
Did they ever have one?

Stephen
Well, they did. It was closed in 1963, and they claim it'll open again in about 2010.

David
Surely, that'll mean Corby will lose its only claim to fame!

Stephen
True!

David
No steel anymore; it's just crisps and the no station.

Bill
1963, did it close?

Stephen
'63.

Alan
Do you remember getting off a train there in '64?

Bill
When they reopen, the first thing is that, er--[nasally, as though over a PA speaker]--"We apologise for the late arrival . . . "

Stephen
They do have another claim to fame, though. What's the connection between Corby and an enormous amount of porridge found on Mars?

Phill
Well, that would be, er, definite evidence of life on Mars, if they found a bowl of porridge . . .

Bill
Yeah. And then three bears, perhaps.

Phill
Yeah. And then the probe would be able to determine whether it was too hot, too cold, or indeed, just right.

Bill
Just . . . just fine.

Phill
Is it the Scottish space programme? [Scottish accent] "We're sendin' porridge to Mars!"

Stephen
Cast your mind back to June-ish, 1969.

Alan
[squeezes his eyes shut]

Bill
Right.

Phill
Okay.

Stephen
Er, what happened then? Big, famous thing.

Phill
The moon landing.

Stephen
The moon landings. Now, in the two hundred and thirty-odd thousand miles from Earth to the moon, there's a lot of boring time in which the three sitting in their podule are chatting to Mission Control. Houston said, [American accent] "And in Corby, England, an Irishman, John Coyle, has won the world's porridge-eating championship by consuming twenty three bowls of instant oatmeal in a ten-minute time limit. Over." [chortles slightly] This is an actual transcript. And Apollo 11 said, [American southern accent] "I'd like to enter Aldrin in an oatmeal-eating contest next time. He's on the 19th bowl. Roger." [chortles] Erm . . . which deathless conversation led to NASA getting rather obsessed with Corby and porridge. And so it named a crater on Mars . . . "Corby".

[Viewscreens: Picture of an artist's depiction of Earth and Mars, viewed from a point just above the surface of Mars.]

David
If there is any life on Mars, aren't they going to be angry that everywhere's been named according to some NASA-based in-joke system?

Stephen
The rules that govern the naming of craters on Mars . . . They have to be named after towns in the world with a population below 100,000. The ones beginning with "C" include Cádiz, Cannes--

Alan
"Cadith."

Stephen
"Cadith." Thank you. Cádiz. [laughs shortly] Minus five. Erm, and, er . . .

Alan
[amused, nods rapidly at the audience]

Stephen
[American southern accent] "Cannes." How do I say "Cannes"?

Alan
[indistinguishable accent, distorting his face] "Ca-anes. Ca-anes."

Stephen
"Ca-anes." Oh. "Ca-anes." Canberra. Canberra.

Alan
"Canberra."

Stephen
Charleston. How're you gonna say "Charleston" in your best southern belle accent?

Alan
[in a slurring accent] "Charlestun! Charlestoon!"

Stephen
Oh, he's like a drunk aunt, isn't he? Erm, and . . . and Crewe.

Alan
[normally, with a shrug] "Crewe."

Stephen
"Crewe." Yes.

David
Do they have outside . . . You know, when you go into Crewe, is there a sign that says "Twinned with a crater on Mars"?

Alan
[pointing at viewscreens] Was that photo taken from the moon, or is that taken from Mars? 'Cause the Earth's probably too big, innit?

Stephen
Well, it could be a graphic image, and if it is a graphic image . . . Whenever you see, on the news, graphic representations of Mars, it usually says, "Courtesy: NASA/JPL": Jet-Propulsion Lab. But by a weird coincidence, that only happens in the land of QI, the name of the senior graphic programmer at NASA is . . . is Corby Waste. That is . . . that is his name.

Alan
We're all gonna live on Mars, in the end.

Stephen
Are we?

Alan
[struggles not to laugh]

Stephen
[leans back in thought] Are you sure about that?

Bill
Yeah.

Alan
[nods] Yeah.

Stephen
That 1950s boys' adventure book isn't necessarily . . . the truest . . .

Alan
I didn't get it from there. I got it from Channel 5.

Stephen
Open your desk.

Alan
They said the sun . . . [opens his desk].

Bill
Wait a minute. You can get Channel 5 . . . [trails off to see what Alan has in his desk].

Stephen
That is you.

Alan
[pulls out a potato that has been embellished with a face, arms, legs, and curly hair]
That's me?

Stephen
That's an Alan Potato Head. I dunno . . .

Alan
[puts his Potato Head down carefully in front of him]
I watched this documentary, and they said eventually, the sun will explode or implode or something, and all . . . and everything will be gone. Including--

Stephen
That won't help Mars, will it?

Alan
--including Earth. I mean . . . No, on the way out, we have to stop at Mars--

Stephen
Oh, I see.

Phill
Oh. I thought you meant there was a services there.

Alan
There'll be someone trying to get you to join the RAC in the car park.

David
How . . . how--

Alan
Humans will leave this planet, Stephen; they will!

Stephen
The Wise One has spoken, ladies and gentlemen.

There we were, in space, near Mars, on the crater Corby. Now, porridge was invented, in fact, in China: the city of Qian'an, spelled"Qi-an-an", but pronounced "Chi-nan" in Chinese. About the same size as Corby--you can see it behind us--

Alan
[duteously looks around at viewscreen]

Stephen
--and is also, by a coincidence, the site of one of the country's largest steelworks. But what quite interesting material do they make their houses from?

Bill
[presses buzzer, which plays traditional Chinese song]
[sways to the music]

Stephen
Yeah?

Bill
[sincerely] I . . . I dunno, is it dinosaur eggs?

Stephen
I'm almost inclined to tear up the real answer and say "yes," but . . . but, erm--

Bill
Of course. 'Cause I've got one.

Stephen
A Chinese dinosaur egg.

Bill
A ChinÂ? . . . Yes. Er, it was a birthday present, erm, from . . . from my wife.

Phill
Every evening, Bill, four hours on the egg, just in case.

Bill
Yeah. I'm thinking about taking it abroad, you know, taking it to the airport, you know . . . see if I can get it scanned for free. You know, just put it--[looks around nonchalantly and whistles]. And someone goes, "My God! What the . . . ?" You know . . . I thought of doing that when my tortoise was ill. Getting it . . .

It's in stone. This fossil, obviously, is in stone, and weighs . . . I thought it was a skull at first, when I opened it, and I thought, "That's a really weird present, but, er, I'll go along with it. 'Yeah, great!'" And they're huge, and they make very good building blocks, so they . . . they . . .

Stephen
Well, it wasn't as gibberingly drivelingly stupid an answer as it first sounded, was it?

Bill
No.

Stephen
Erm . . . No, it's not that. It is a very famous Chinese thing that these houses are--

Alan
Bamboo.

Phill
I had to buy--

[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "BAMBOO".]

Stephen
Oh, dear. Not bamboo. No.

Phill
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
[presses buzzer, which gongs]

Bill
"Ooh, ooh, sir, sir!"

Stephen
Yeah?

Phill
Bootlegged Coldplay CDs!

Stephen
It's . . . not.

Alan
Bits of the Great Wall.

Stephen
Yes, is the right answer! Help yourself to ten points. Absolutely right.

Bill
Oh, wow. Well done.

Stephen
Erm, yeah. It's a rather sad thing, this Great Wall of China. It is disappearing. There's only 20% of it left.

Phill
Where has it gone?

Stephen
Well, people just cart bits off to build pigstys and to wall barns and farmers just take bits, 'cause it's handy material. The . . . The Gobi desert is encroaching upon the Great Wall.

Alan
Is it?

Stephen
Yeah, unfortunately.

Alan
How rude.

Stephen
I know!

Bill
How does a desert "encroach"? Sort of, like, you sort of look away, and then the . . . [quickly scoots chair several inches to the left, toward Alan]?
[looks around in confusion]

Stephen
It plays Grandmother's Footsteps!

Alan
[pointedly scoots away from Bill]

Bill
"I'm sure that was . . . "

Alan
It's the same way you get the armrest on a train. You go--[looks away casually and quickly shuffles his elbow to his armrest].

David
They should convert it into flats or something. You know, something useful.

Stephen
Wouldn't that be brilliant?

David
If they . . . If they converted it into flat . . . Look, it's thick enough for flats--

Bill
Yep.

David
--so you just need to knock a few windows on either side, and then you can probably have, you know, four- or five-hundred thousand flats--

Stephen
Or a--

David
--all the way along it, and then people would look after their own bit--

Stephen
Exactly.

David
--with, you know, window boxes and everything.

Stephen
Or a retail opportunity: The Great Mall of China, would, er, possibly do. That'll do it. But, er, no. Erm . . .

But there you are. You get points all around to everybody who deserves them and none to those who don't.

Now, what do we have Thomas Crapper to thank for?

Bill and Phill
[make noises of suspicion]

Stephen
You're so wary these days! You're so . . . [gestures to David] Come on, you're a new boy, David . . .

David
[presses buzzer, which harps]

Stephen
Ye-ah!

David
He . . . He invented the flush lavatory.

[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "THE FLUSH TOILET".]

Stephen
My mother and, er, family thank you for saying "lavatory", not "toilet", but it's not true. The Chinese did, of course. Who else? But he did invent . . . the ballcock.

Alan
The ballcock.

Phill
Of course.

Stephen
The ball . . . cock. Erm . . . Sorry. I don't know why that's funny. Sorry that it's funny to say ball . . . cock. Yes! I learned at the University of Rowan Atkinson, me!

Erm, anyway. Yes, 206 B.C., there was a flush lavatory, from the Han dynasty.

David
I bet it wasn't any good.

Stephen
Ooh . . .

David
We're talkÂ? . . . We're talking about a bucket on a . . . on a shelf that you poke with a stick, aren't we? It falls on you.

Stephen
It had a seat, an armrest, and a system of pipes, for flushing. But the weird thing is, the verb "to crap" was used as early as 1846, and Crapper was born in 1836. So, it's a kind of coincidence. Or maybe, it's something called "nominative determinism", which is where, if you're called Mr Bun, it increases your chances of becoming a baker.

David
That's why you run that caff!

Stephen
That's why I run . . . a fish and chips shop! Thank you. Excellent.

Well, the flush toilet: invented in China. The Chinese also invented loo paper. Now, name three more Chinese inventions. That's all you have to do.

Alan
Pot Noodle.

Bill
Er, whispers!

Stephen
Very good!

Alan
Chess.

Stephen
"Chess" is good. I'll give you one for "chess".

Alan
Acupuncture!

Stephen
Acupuncture's obviously very much--

David
Fireworks.

Stephen
Fireworks. Good one, absolutely. Yeah.

Alan
Little tin foil cartons with a cardboard lid.

Stephen
But things they didn't invent are quite interesting. They didn't invent the rickshaw, which was an American . . . who invented the rickshaw. Chop suey is an American, er, invention.

Phill
Was a rickshaw invented by a bloke called Rick Shaw?

Stephen
NÂ? . . . Oh, that would be--

Phill
That would be great, because you grow up to do what your name is, you know . . .

Stephen
His name was Jonathan Scobie.

Phill
Oh, I'd much rather be pulled around on a "Scobie".

Stephen
Fortune cookies were also American.

Alan
Yeah.

Phill
I wish they'd be a bit more honest. You know--[mimes cracking a fortune cookie]--Snap . . . "With the amount of MSG you've just had, a massive coronary is moments away."

Stephen
Do you know why MSG was developed?

Phill
Why it was--

Stephen
Monosodium glutamate.

Phill
Why it was . . .

Stephen
Yeah. Do you know about umami?

Bill
"Umami"?

David
Oh! It's the other flavour, isn't it?

Stephen
It's the other flavour. There's salt, sour, bitter, and sweet, and umami, and--

Phill
"Umami"?!

Stephen
Yes, "umami"! Not "umamu" . . .

Phill
Is that the noise you make when you eat it? "Ooooh, mummy!"

Stephen
They say you have it in . . . parmesan cheese has umami. A kind of meaty savouriness called "umami".

Phill
Would . . . Would . . . Would a Scotch egg have umami?

David
In that . . . In that gas that it releases when you bite through, you know.

Stephen
Ooh, yeah.

David
We don't know what it is; it doesn't occur naturally in the atmosphere. It's the . . . the gas between egg and sausage in a Scotch egg.

Stephen
It's a horrible thing.

Phill
A bit like the dry roast peanut gas, isn't it?

David
Oh, yeah.

Phill
They . . . They have a man at Golden Wonder, farts in a bag for you.
[mimes opening a bag full of flatulence and fanning it away]

Stephen
Real Chinese inventions include the abacus, chess, the decimal system, drilling for oil, fireworks, the fishing reel, the flamethrower, the helicopter, the horse collar, the iron plow, lacquer, the mechanical clock, hot air balloons, negative numbers, the parachute, print-making, relief maps, rubber, the seismograph, stirrups, the suspension bridge, the umbrella, the water bomb, and whisky.

Now, what was the name of the Dalmatian that discovered China?

[Viewscreens: Picture of five Dalmatian puppies.]

Alan
It's--

David
Is it Marco Polo?

Stephen
Yes! Marco Polo.

David
I thought that might have been a--[flips hands outward to indicate the viewscreens].

Stephen
Yay! Very good. Well done. Yup. He came from Dalmatia. He was born, probably, Marco Pilich, and Marco Pilich . . . which means . . . ? Chicken. "Mark Chicken" was his name.

Phill
A lot of people thought he was a Dalmatian. He was actually Irish. He was Marc O'Polo!

Stephen
Ah hah!

Phill
[Irish accent] "Hello!"

Alan
I was in a pub quiz team once . . . very much making up the numbers . . .

Stephen
No, no, no!

Alan
My friends had this team, and we were in a pub in Kennington, and they were coming from Croydon. Anyway, they got lost, and they were late. And one of them said, "Cor, I feel like Marco Polo coming up here." And I said . . . "Who's that, then?"

And they all looked at me . . . 'cause I was joking; I know who it is; I just thought it would be funny . . . As a pub quiz team, it'd be funny to say . . . [puts on puzzled expression]--

Stephen
"Who's Marco--"

Alan
"Who's that, then?"

Stephen
Aww.

Alan
There was a deathly hush . . . .I bet they're in despair, watching this show.

Stephen
Yes.

Phill
Wouldn't it be great to go to a pub with him, though? [points to Stephen] With Fry--

Stephen
Oh, don't--

Phill
--on your team? "Yeah, and this is Barry from down the road. Yeah, he does look like him." And then Fry'll be there having to fake his way in the pub. [as Stephen, with vigorous head tossing] "Oh, blimey!"

Bill
He'd give it away by swearing in Latin.

Stephen
[laughs, clasping his hands together and buring his face in them] Oh . . .

Bill
[pretends to swear in Latin]

Stephen
So, anyway, erm, hastening on. Marco Polo, otherwise known as Marco Pilich, was born in, er, Korc(ula, in Dalmatia, in 1254, then a protectorate of Venice, which, of course--sticking like porridge to our "C" theme--made him a Croatian. Now, a group of Croatian mercenaries invented something which no successful Chinese businessman or any other kind of businessman would want to be without. What is it?

Alan
The attaché case.

Bill
Attaché case . . . ?

Alan
[mimes the motions of opening an attaché case]

Stephen
Did you know . . . I mean, you're not a million miles away . . .

Phill
The mini-bar.

Stephen
That's a little further away.

Alan
Five minutes' free view on your hotel porn.

Stephen
That should be enough, shouldn't it?

Bill
Not the trouser press?

Stephen
Well, if you lÂ?

[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "CORBY TROUSER PRESS".]

Stephen
Who-said-what-he-how? "Trouser press", did you say? Oh, dear! He said--[mumbles into his hand]--like that.

Alan
No businessman would want to be without it. The tie.

Stephen
A tie! Yes!

Alan
Is it?

Stephen
Yes!

Alan
[pumps arm in victory]

Stephen
The Croatians invented the tie!

Alan
[opens his desk and gives a triumphant thumbs-up to his potato head]

Stephen
Fantastic! Yup. The Croatian for "Croatia" is "Hrvat"--

[Viewscreens: Picture of a Croatian in a bright pink top hat and cravat.]

Alan
Hang on a minute; who's that?

David
That's not a businessman!

Stephen
Well. The Croatian for "Croatia" is "Hrvat"--

Bill
"Hrvat"?

Stephen
--from which--

Alan
Cravat.

Stephen
--the word "cravat" comes from. Exactly.

Phill
Ahh.

Stephen
"Cravat" is "Croat", in fact. Erm, and . . . Yes. In the court of Louis XIII of France, there were Croatian mercenaries who wore this neck gear, which the French courtiers thought was rather--[posh French accent]--"Oh, I will wear this also . . . " And--

Bill
[posh French accent] "Did they not speak in their own language? They spoke in a crazy French accent!"

Stephen
Sorry!

Phill
What kind of mercenary wears a cravat? [mimes flamboyantly throwing off his cravat and then flaps his hands defensively]
[in girlish voice] "Give me your money or I'll fight you all!" [delicately flips his fists into fighting position]

Stephen
How many ways to you think there are to tie a tie? How many different knots?

Phill
Oh, there are hundreds.

Alan
Well, I know from the cub scouts, there's at least twenty four.

Phill
There's . . . there's some . . . 283 ways?

Stephen
No, it was only 85 different knots: the four well-known ones--the standard one, the Windsor, the half-Windsor, and . . . [pauses to think].

Alan
And the Footballer!

Stephen
The Footballer, yes!

Alan
Makes it somehow wider than their head.

Stephen
So, erm, ties. Now we know, of course, that Croatia really means . . . Tie-land!

Alan
Tie-land.

Stephen
[with excessive mirth] Oh-ho, do you see.

Erm, another prerequisite, of course, aside from ties, for modern commerce, is a regular dosage of caffeine. Can you tell me what are coffee tights?

Bill
Hm. Coffee . . . tights.

Stephen
Coffee tights.

Bill
Er, maybe a . . . a prudish person might place them over the legs of a coffee table . . . ? Er--

Phill
Coffee tights. It's, erm, women's . . . It's, erm, some sort of ludicrous treatment, isn't it?

Stephen
You're absolutely right.

Phill
For their . . . fat/cellulite treatment.

Stephen
You're absolutely right. It's a pair of tights--

Alan
Made of coffee?

Stephen
--made of coffee, as it were, or, at least, with caffeine in them.

David
Are there going to be other items of clothing made out of liquid? Like custard socks? Or . . . or a nice . . . a Vodka hat?

Stephen
Custard sÂ? . . . [bouncing in his seat] Now you've said "custard socks", I want them now!

David
Well, you can't have any custard socks 'til you've put on your gravy cardi.

Stephen
Body heat releases caffeine microcapsules into the skin, much as a nicotine patch releases nicotine into the skin. It apparently increases the metabolism of the leg, supposedly, so that you lose, as you say, cellulite, that orange peel look--

Bill
Yeah, decaf coffee tights, is just . . . the tights.

Stephen
It does seem unlikely that slipping on a pair of tights is gonna dissolve a fat arse, er . . . er, I mean, that is--

David
They can stop your leg going to sleep.

Stephen
Yeah, it would! Very good! Excellent.

Let's burn off some of those unsightly points, now, by, erm, slipping into some thermal forfeits, shall we? In Chinese, "Q-I" is pronounced "chi", and you probably know the word. It, er, means the "life force"; the . . . the Q-I. The qi. The Korean for that is G-I, which, of course, stands, happily, for General Ignorance, which is where we're going now, so fingers on buzzers, please. Who is this?

[Viewscreens: Picture of the famous winged statue in Trafalgar Square.]

Alan
Eros.

[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "EROS".]

Stephen
Yeah. Well, thank you for falling into our little Heffalump trap there. Erm . . . It's actually the Angel of Christian Charity.

Alan
. . . Eros.

Stephen
Eros was the Greek god of love. This is the Angel of Christian Charity.

Alan
[doggedly] Why's it called Eros, then?

Stephen
Because people mistakenly thought it was Eros 'cause it had a bow and arrow. Eros is Greek for Cupid, and they thought it was like Cupid's dart. Originally, the arrow pointed up--[mimes pulling at a crossbow]--a particular avenue, and the idea was that--

Phill
Shaft--

Bill
Shaft--

Stephen
--it was bearing its shaft up Shaftsbury Avenue, which was named after Lord Shaftsbury, Ashley Cooper, the great politician--

David
I know who he was.

Stephen
Tell me.

David
He was the bloke who passed all those acts in the 19th century to stopped children having to work ninety-five hours a week.

Stephen
Exactly right. Er, it was a first, that particular statue. Do you know why?

Bill
Er, the first one on one leg.

Stephen
No, not that. A material, we're after.

Bill
Oh.

Alan
Bronze. Copper. Metal. Steel. Wood.

Stephen
It's metal, certainly. Not wood. It wouldn't be the first wooden or metal statue, would it?

Alan
[shakes his head, rolling his eyes and mouthing "No."]

Stephen
It was a particular--

David
Aluminium.

Stephen
Aluminium, there you are. Take five points, young David Mitchell, very good indeed.

Alan
I know something about, erm, statues of military personnel--

Stephen
Yes?

Alan
--on horseback. If they're up on their hind legs--[raises hands into the air]--like that, it means they died in battle.

Stephen
Ooh.

Alan
And if they've got one leg up--[puts one hand up]--it means they died on service but not in a battle, and if they've got all four down--[puts both hands on desk]--it means they just died after. Years later.

Stephen
Is that really true? I lÂ? . . . if that's true . . .

Alan
That's really true.

Stephen
I shall have the little Elves, the QI Elves, erm, er . . . [points to the display in his desk]..Ooh, they're flashing me now. "This is an urban myth and not true," it says! They're very quick!

Alan
It feels like everything I know is wrong.

Stephen
Oh, I'm so sorry.

Alan
Is that Socrates?

Bill
No, that's--

Alan
Did he say that, or am I the first?

Bill
That's what comes when you . . . you acquire your knowledge by overhearing blokes in pubs.

Stephen
Yeah. It is a general rule that if any fact given you starts with the word "apparently", it is always untrue.

Bill
"Apparently", right . . .

Stephen
Yeah?

Bill
. . . the CIA . . .

Stephen
Yeah?

Bill
. . . control gravity.

Stephen
Indeed!

Er, while on the subject of the CIA, where does the name "America" come from?

Phill
[presses buzzer, which gongs]
Watch me crash and burn with "Amerigo Vespuci".

[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the name "AMERIGO VESPUCCI".]

Stephen
Ah, thank you for that. Yes, many, many have believed this is true, but current research shows that it's actually named after a . . . a Welshman, in fact, called . . . ?

Phill
Dai America.

Stephen
No, Richard Ameryk. Probably meaning "son of Morris": ap Meurig. Not everyone believes this theory, but it is quite convincing. One of the reasons it's not convincing that it was Amerigo Vespucci is that countries were never named after somebody's Christian name, unless they were royal, like Prince Edward Island or Victoria or something. But otherwise, it's Cook Islands, and it's, er, er, all those . . . Magellan Straits . . . It's always the surname.

Bill
Abel Tasman.

Stephen
Exactly, and Van Diemen's Land. So it should be Vespuccia, if it were to be named after him. John Cabot, who was the first European to set foot on . . . on what we now consider mainland United States, was commissioned by this man Ameryk, who probably had his name on the map, and it would have been known as Ameryk's Land, and then America. [Welsh accent] So it's a Welsh name.

Bill
[Welsh accent] "Evans the country."

Stephen
Talking of which, who was the first president of America?

Alan
Washington.

Phill
Oh, another trap.

[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the name "GEORGE WASHINGTON".]

Stephen
Oh! No. Surpisingly not. No, he was probably the 15th.

Alan
Was he?

Stephen
He was the first president of an independent United States of America--

Phill
Ah.

Stephen
--but there had been many presidents of the United States in Congress Assembled, presidents of the Continental Congress of America, and the first one was called, erm, Randolph. Peyton Randolph. The second one was called John . . . Hancock.

Phill
John Hancock, yeah.

Stephen
And what does "John Hancock" mean--fingers on buzzers, quickly--if you're an American?

David
[presses buzzer, which harps]

Stephen
Oh, you got there, David.

David
It . . . it means a signature.

Stephen
Yes. I was just very alarmed when I first went to America, and was told to put my . . . [mumbling American accent] "Just put your John Hancock on the . . . " "On the . . . What? . . . Put my what where?" [American accent] "Just put your John Hancock down." Whoa!

Phill
The reason--

Stephen
And that's what it means. They use it all the time.

Phill
Well, it's . . . The reason being, is that on the Declaration of Independence, they all signed it, and then everyone went, sort of--[takes pen and writes something on notepad]--"And that's me." Hancock came along . . . [makes enormous flourishes in the air] "JOHN . . . HANCOCK!"

Stephen
It is. It is.

Phill
[leans back matter-of-factly] You can actually see it from space.

Stephen
But you're right. His was . . . his was . . . his was the big signature on the Declaration of Independence.

So, there you are. There were 13 others after Peyton, and then on the 30th of April, erm, 1789, George Washington was sworn in as the first president of the independent United States.

It's time for the scores. In first place, with a very impressive naught, it's David Mitchell, ladies and gentlemen! In second place, with minus-eight, Bill Bailey!

Bill
Oh, minus-eight!

Stephen
And in third place, with minus-nine, is Phill Jupitus. And in fourth place, with minus-fourteen, Alan Davies. Congratulations.

Well, that is "Wan an" from another edition of "Qi". So, my thanks to Phill, David, Bill, Alan, and the people--and naturally, the trousers--of Corby.

Finally, to another city with cosmic connections. A man recently went into one of the largest bookshops in Manchester and strode up to the counter in the cartographic department. "Do you have any globes?" he said. Erm, "Over there on the shelf, sir," the assistant replied. "No," he said, "these are all of the world. I want a globe of Salford." [raises a hand bemusedly] Zai jian! Good bye."

Note from original transcript: "QI and all related trademarks are QI Ltd. This site is not officially affiliated with the show or its creators, but enjoys the amiable dialogue it has with them."