From The Summer Of 2020
America On Trial

After 10 Days Of Civic Upheavals America was put before a judge after being pulled to safety from an angry mob. They took her mug shot and the trial began.

Miss America Trial Cross Examination

Please tell the jury how old you are.

44

Are you sure?

Sorry, I mean 244.

You do look remarkably young for your age.

Thank you.

Are you a smoker?

No, why do you ask?

There was smoke rising from cities all over the country.

Well, it wasn't me. It was from my citizens.

And why were they smoking?

They weren't smoking. They were trying to light me on fire.

Do you know why you're on trial?

For being systemically racist?

That's right. How do you plead?

Not guilty. I was born from the Declaration of Independence that states all men are created equal. It's my guiding principle!

We aren't here to discuss your guiding principle. Please refrain from further outbursts. We will now hear from the prosecution.

The court records show that you are still single.

Yes, I am. Mr. Lefty tried to get me to be his steady girlfriend but when I wouldn't he got violent. He's still trying to get me back.

I see. Please continue.

Mr. Right really loved me and I loved him, too, but sometimes he gets carried away. Sending me roses on the Fourth of July was fine but bringing guns into my state houses wasn't cool. I think he's probably jealous because I don't belong only to him.

How do you feel about legal immigration?

When I see people from all over the people raising their right hands as they're sworn in as my citizens it makes me cry with joy. They promise to love me as I love them. It's so beautiful.

Prosecutor: Is it true that you deliberately wiped out the Native Americans that were here before you were born?

I was young and stupid, not old enough to drive a car and drink responsibly and you gave me an entire continent of my own. I took advantage of it. I regret what I did but I can't undo it now. All of my peers were taking land that didn't belong to them in those days.

Did you or did you not seize the entire Southwest from Mexico?

It was almost completely unoccupied. How was I to know it belonged to Mexico?

So you admit it?

Yes. I got totally carried away. I especially fell in love with California so I took it. I was finally able to stretch my legs from coast to coast. It felt great!

Please describe your worst experience to the jury?

The most painful was when half of me tried to leave.

What do you mean "leave"?

My Southern states wanted to keep slavery so they said they would secede and fired at my Northern states. That really hurt. I watched my people killing each other for four terrible years.

Then what?

My North defeated my South and that was the end of slavery. I was sewn back together but it took a very long time for my South to recover.

Some of your people say you are a very racist country that oppresses and kills African-American people in a "black genocide".

I know some of them do. They've been saying that since the 1960's. Which was the same decade that the Civil Rights Act was passed in 1965. Which was exactly 100 years after my Civil War to end slavery. I still had terrible discrimination especially in the South for many years but by the end of the 1960's we were ready to move forward united as one finally.

So why do some people hate you and call you racist?

Because they're still angry about everything that happened to them. I understand that but it was all a long time ago. All my ethnic groups had a hard time after arriving and the Native Americans endured terrible mistreatment. But none of them are rioting and burning my cities. Except for that one group. I've tried saying I'm sorry many times but they still hate me.

Prosecutor: They hate you because they say police are racists that kill blacks on purpose.

My police kill everyone equally!
(The courtroom laughs)

Prosecutor: What proof do you have of your innocence?

Just ask my lawyer. He's got the studies that investigated all the numbers of who is killing who.

Judge: Let me see those studies. Hmm, the National Academy of Sciences said it's not true?

That's right, your honor. It's all just like I said. Most people don't realize that in fact I really am color-blind. Liberty and justice for all means exactly that.

Judge: I came in here this morning ready to throw the book at you, America. After weighing the evidence it looks like you're free to go. But watch yourself. We don't want to hear any more complaints.

I'll do my best but my people are only human.